


This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

by RubyofRaven



Series: These Kids Need Therapy (Drabbles) [5]
Category: Descendants (Disney Movies)
Genre: Boarding School, Dungeons & Dragons Campaign, Dungeons & Dragons References, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Fun, Funny, Gen, High School, Hilarious, Hilarity, Hilarity Ensues, Horny Harry, Humor, Humorous Ending, Mentioned Evie, Mentioned Jay, No Dungeons & Dragons Knowledge Required, Pets, Pirates, Post-Descendants 3, Role-Playing Game, School, Sexual Humor, Swearing, Teenagers, crocodiles - Freeform, mentioned Fairy Godmother, mentioned jane - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:40:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26921539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RubyofRaven/pseuds/RubyofRaven
Summary: “All you guys are doing is playing as yourselves. Like- you have a real life pirate crew and everything,” Carlos complains at the start of their first Dungeons & Dragons session.“So?” Uma asks. She crosses her arms, cocking an eyebrow as she stares him down across the wooden table.“Ya sayin’ there’s a problem with how we playin’ the game?” asks Harry, who’s seated to her right with Gil flanking his other side as the red clad pirate leans threatenly over the table.It’s then that Carlos realizes he should have kept quiet about this and tries to backtrack. “No, I mean-”“Didn’t you say we could be whoever we wanted to be?” Uma asks.“Yeah, but-”“So it really shouldn’t matter.”“Yes, but-”“Why are there so many ‘buts’ in this conversation? Unless we’re talking about mine,” Harry interjects, manic blue eyes flashing in amusement.---------------------------The group tries their hand at playing D&D, and it goes about as well as anyone expects.
Relationships: Ben/Mal (Disney: Descendants), Gil & Harry Hook, Gil & Harry Hook & Uma, Harry Hook/Uma
Series: These Kids Need Therapy (Drabbles) [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1925335
Comments: 14
Kudos: 62





	This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

**Author's Note:**

> Edited by MMR (who always seems to read over my fics nowadays) with some added input from her sister.
> 
> Also, this was inspired by me just wanting to do more drabbles, as NocturnalIV just seems to be busting out a ton for their Fictober. And then it turned into this, because of course it did.
> 
> Also, also, you DON'T need to know much of anything about D&D to really understand this fic. So enjoy the fun!

“All you guys are doing is playing as yourselves. Like- you have a real life pirate crew and everything,” Carlos complains at the start of their first Dungeons & Dragons session.

“So?” Uma asks. She crosses her arms, cocking an eyebrow as she stares him down across the wooden table.

“Ya sayin’ there’s a problem with how we playin’ the game?” asks Harry, who’s seated to her right with Gil flanking his other side as the red clad pirate leans threatenly over the table.

It’s then that Carlos realizes he should have kept quiet about this and tries to backtrack. “No, I mean-”

“Didn’t you say we could be whoever we wanted to be?” Uma asks.

“Yeah, but-”

“So it really shouldn’t matter.”

“Yes, but-”

“Why are there so many ‘buts’ in this conversation? Unless we’re talking about mine,” Harry interjects, manic blue eyes flashing in amusement. 

Carlos rubs his brow to stave off a growing headache. Why did he think having a D&D group with the pirates would be a good idea? He blamed Fairy Godmother and Jane for creating the newly organized Auradon Prep initiative to help integrate the new VKs through extracurricular activities: Peers Against Fears. Of course, Fairy Godmother was especially worried about some of the pirates integrating over (i.e. Harry), so she put Jane up to bugging Carlos about helping with a subsection of Peers Against Fears, called Peers and Buccaneers (her and her mother seemed exceptionally proud of that name), and this was the end result, which was already turning out _spectacularly_. “No. That’s not what I meant. It’s just- this is supposed to be escapism fantasy.”

Uma looks unimpressed. “But we already live in a real fantasy, don’t we?”

“The point is,” Mal, who, up till now has largely remained silent in her seat between Ben and Uma, explains, “that you can be anyone you want in this. Our ‘fairytale’ lives don’t have to dictate how we play the game.”

Uma snorts. “I guess that’s why you're playing a noble dragonborn, then?”

“Ha!” Harry laughs. “Pot, meet kettle.”

Gil looks thoughtful at this. “Who came up with that saying?” He turns his attention to Ben. “Was it Mrs. Potts?” Ben just opens and closes his mouth, not quite sure what to say.

“Or was the saying actually made to be offensive towards her?” Gill looks a bit sad about that last option. “Who would do something so mean? And in Auradon? I thought that stuff didn’t happen here.” He turns wide puppy-dog eyes upon those seated at the table as Harry throws a comforting arm over his shoulders, which the blond gladly leans into. 

_Yeah_ , Carlos thinks as he looks towards the ceiling in exasperation, _this was a great idea_.

\-----------------------------------------------------

“Can mine and Uma’s character fuck?”

Carlos sighs, deeply frustrated, and they’re not even halfway done with today’s session yet. “I suppose.”

“Yes!” The red clad pirate looks to Uma. “Captain?”

The sea witch rolls her eyes with a hint of a smile gracing her lips. “Sure.”

“Yes!”

“Can my character come too?” Gil asks with an innocent smile. The white haired boy isn’t even sure if Uma’s second mate is even aware of what ‘fucking’ entails.

Harry just blinks before grinning even wider. “Sure,” he says, placing a hand on Gil’s shoulder and squeezing it in comradery, “the more the merrier!”

“Cool.”

Uma rolls her eyes again as Harry’s attention turns to the king and his fiancee. “Ben? Mal?”

Ben opens his mouth to respond, but Mal elbows him in the stomach with a too sweet smile and goes on to say, “No thanks, we’re good.”

Carlos hits himself in the face with his own Dungeon Master’s folder and then lets his head thunk down onto the table top. _No wonder Jay and Evie came up with excuses like Tourney practice and running an actual business to escape this._

\-----------------------------------------------------

“Can my character have sex with Uma’s character again?”

“Harry, we’re in a battle with a boss monster.”

“Aye, and I’d like to use my action to have sex with Uma again.”

“I mean, technically, he can-”

“Shut up, Ben!”

“Harry, I’m not having sex with you while there’s still a battle raging on.”

“But Uma~!”

“No.”

“But seeing you fightin’ in all yer glory makes me horny.”

“Harry, it’s not even Uma, it’s her character.”

“And me breathing makes you horny.”

“Aye.”

A long pause.

“The answer is still no.”

\-----------------------------------------------------

“Can I get a pet in this game?”

This somewhat normal question from Uma’s first mate throws Carlos off more than his insane ones. ( _“Yer telling me I can’t stab the DM’s character fer an unfair rulin’?” “Harry, the DM doesn’t have an official character in the game.” “Does that mean I can stab the real DM, then?”_ or _“Can’t I kill off King Benny’s character?” “Harry, you’re in the same party.” “Aye, but he’s bein’ awfully annoyin’.” “No. You guys will need all the party members you can get to defeat the next boss.” “Hmm… But do we really, though?”_ ) 

As such, the young De Vil finds himself answering in the affirmative, “I mean, I don’t see why not, but-”

“I want a crocodile.”

Any smile that might have been forming on the DM’s face is quickly wiped off to be replaced by a look of incredulity. “Seriously?”

“Didn’t you recently ask Fairy Godmother for one, too? In real life?” Ben asks, amused.

“Aye, and I want one in the game.”

Carlos sighs, nodding his head. After all, this wasn’t the most outlandish thing Harry had asked for. “Fine, but you should know-”

“And I want to name her Betsy.”

Carlos glares and manages to say between gritted teeth, “Fine, but you should know-”

“Oh! And I want her to have a little red bow on her head.”

Mal snorts. “What? So that way you know she’s a girl?”

Harry looks disgusted at the suggestion. “By the Jolly Roger! No! It's so everyone knows that she’s mine! Are ye daft?”

Carlos, sensing the impending argument, intervenes. “Fine, Harry. That’s all fine. Your character can buy one at the next town then.”

“But I want one now!” the pirate cries, rising from his chair.

Uma places a hand on Harry’s arm, gaining his attention. “Chill, Harry. You’ll get your crocodile soon.”

The red clad pirate sits back down in a huff.

Carlos takes this as his cue to finish informing Harry of all that pet ownership entails in a D&D game. “Also, you should know that your pet crocodile will be vulnerable to attack-”

“No she won’t.”

De Vil finds himself rubbing at his temples, a new headache definitely forming (a theme with these campaign sessions). “Harry-”

“I’ll make sure no harm comes to dear ol’ Betsy.”

“Harry, you’re not going to have much of a choice in boss battles.”

“Nonsense! That’s what this game is all about: choices!”

“Yeah,” Gil chimes in, “that doesn’t make sense. Why can’t it be his choice to protect Betsy?”

“Guys...” Carlos looks to Mal and Ben for assistance, the only somewhat sane individuals at the table. 

Ben, thankfully, gets the hint and jumps in. “What Carlos means to say is that, in a boss battle, enemies can target whoever they want. All allies can be hit, including pets. The game play doesn’t really allow-”

“What if she’s an attack crocodile with high stats?” the crazed pirate asks.

Uma gives Harry a look. “Aren’t all crocodile’s technically attack crocodiles?”

Before her first mate can answer, Ben tries to steer the conversation back on course. “Attack crocodile or not, pets usually have pretty low-”

Harry abruptly cuts him off. “Then I don’t want to play.”

Carlos can’t help but bring his DM folder up to his face to muffle his scream.

Mal scoffs at this while Gil and Ben just look confused and concerned for the younger VK.

Uma just rolls her eyes and sighs, “Harry.”

Said pirate looks offended. “Ye heard me,” he says, steely gaze glaring holes into Ben.

It’s at this point that Carlos throws his folder down on the table, raising his hands in surrender. “Fine! Fine! Whatever! You can have an ‘attack’ crocodile!” he cries. “One that breathes fire and is impervious to everything! And- hey! It can even fly around like Peter Pan if you want! And while Betsy, the crocodile-dragon, eats the souls of your enemies or whatever, you and Uma can have sex during battle! I don’t care anymore!” The white haired teen looks around the table in the silence that follows his little outburst before simply stating, “I quit.”

All eyes follow the path the group's youngest VK takes to get to the door, which slams shut as soon as he exits through it. After a long moment, everyone turns to look at Harry, who just returns their gaze with one of baffled innocence. 

“Was it something I said?”

**Author's Note:**

> Harry.
> 
> Harry is the reason why we can’t have nice things.
> 
> Also, for anyone who’s wondering, I asked several friends, all three of which have names starting with Ms, if you could have sex during battle while playing D&D. They said it might be doable, depending on your DM and the other party members in the group, along with how they’d determine the battle game play to go during your turns. XD Also, it should be noted that all of my friends I asked were very concerned and now totally think I will try to have sex with another character during one of our next campaigns…
> 
> Also, also, during my first campaign, my character wanted a bunny, and my DM crushed my hopes and dreams by telling me how fast said bunny would probably die if I got one. So, thanks for that.
> 
> Also, also, also-- I wrote most of this fic while waiting for my turn during a battle in a D&D one shot this last Wednesday.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this! And Happy Halloween! Stay safe inside and read! XD  
> OR write fanfiction for this fandom, because it feeds my soul.


End file.
